So I got into a shouting match on the field last night at soccer. The other guy called me a f*cking moron and got a red card. I could help wondering why he pissed me off soo much. I had a half hour drive home to think about it. I have thought about giving up soccer a couple times because it seems lately I can't control my temper. This is a new one for me, if you've known me growing up, a temper is not something I really had. So what gives?
To talk about this you have to know some of my past. I grew up in a house where my dad had a bad temper. I swore I would never be that way. Often growing up I would blame myself when he would get mad, thinking I must have done something wrong cause parents are never wrong (parents may now laugh). Later that manifested itself in the form of depression. I would get angry at myself for not being good enough or not being perfect. This came to a head a few years ago when I ended up in the hospital on suicide watch. I had a hard year after that. I finally got on some meds for my depression and things have gotten better.
Ok so what does that have to do with this now? Here's what I realized on the drive home, I'm no longer blaming myself for other peoples mistakes, I'm getting angry at THEM and not me. Which normally is good, but having pent up anger for 25 years, it now tends to come out over the stop, where I called a guy a d*ck one night at soccer.
So who gives a crap if you get mad at people? I do. I call myself a protestant christian, the standards I have are not my own but those of the bible. I can't do it all right, don't even go there, but I know that swearing at someone on the soccer field is not "turning the other cheek" like Christ said. This does not mean I should be a doormat for people either. Christ flipped out on the people in the temple courts selling stuff for worshipers. The point is I need to find a healthy balance, something that is new territory for me. I also need an outlet for the anger I feel.
All in all, I feel like my life looks more a mess than it really is. It seems like more of the cards are out on the table, but I am trying to organize them. Anyone that has done spring cleaning knows, that halfway through the process the place looks messier than when you started, but it necessary to do to sort out the junk and the things to keep.
Being the product of a household where tempers flare, I can tell you that it gets easier to control with age. I think trying to experience as much as you possibly can will help in building up a better tolerance for things that would normally make you angry. The more you do; the more you know. The more you know; the more you can take a step back in the moment and see where the other person is coming from. It takes time. And by the way, you were in the right last night. That guy was a dick.
ReplyDeleteThanks man, still I think you are right about taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture.
ReplyDelete